Dear Jane,
It feels like I'm forcing a need to write down my thoughts. There's no beginning, as there is no end. So since there is a lack of inspiration / a specific thought to write down, I've decided to tell you about what I'm thinking about right now. I've always been scared to be, to think and to act as an average teenager, and maybe it's just because I'm not, but it confuses me when other problems such as 'boys' appear in my head. (Is it possible that this fear and idea that I'm not as everyone else, makes me just like anyone else?) I don't want to waste my precious time thinking about whether he likes me or not, it must not matter since there are so many other things to think and talk about. You see.. when some people around me from the same age as I am (which is 17 years young, and even now I can say that life is moving by too fast), say they're trying so hard to be 'one of them', I roll my eyes. Who decides the 'them' in this sentence? Everyone is unique in behavior and looks, but there is apparently still sort of a role model for most of us. Oh, but this won't go anywhere that will make sense, or even a clear moral, so let me try something else.
Today I've worked at a new workplace; new building, company, colleagues and costumers. But that doesn't even come close to the whole point I'm going to make. I've met a new person today, and it's a typical example of how wrong and misplaced you're first impression can be. We talked about his past, and how it made him stronger; he was able to turn his negative and bad happenings from the past into positive experiences. It's not as easy as it sounds, but he managed to pick himself up, and to just move forward, with the knowledge that there won't be a second time he'll have to get through this. There is a reason specific things happen and overcome you, and it's up to you how much value you give it. Nothing happens for no reason, and in this I really believe. But to bring up the 'wrong impression' part; in the beginning I thought this person was shallow and 'mean' (in my opinion), but this wasn't the case at all. I'm glad we had this conversation. These kind of conversations inspire me, these kind of people inspire me. Actually.. most people inspire me, even the ones I don't share the same opinions with, inspire me. Because I think it's important to analyze both sides of anything.
I'm deeply unsatisfied about my writing today, because this piece doesn't give me any overview of my mind. It's just like a mirror of my mind, they're all just various thoughts randomly put together in one story. I'm very sorry for this one, I hope it will be better another day. It wasn't my intention to be so frustrated after writing. It's just not going so well lately. But let's not bore you with this one, I'm going stop now, hoping the frustration will fade away after a good night of dreams.
Yours truly,
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Dear Jane,
Since a few days or so, maybe weeks, I have these mixed feelings. It's like I'm physically here on this world, but my mind is floating somewhere else, perhaps in my own made-up fictionally world, if I may be so free to name it like that. There is none, actually, but I'm as confused as the words appearing on this paper. Let's say that that's my excuse for today.
It's not that I'm not satisfied with my life and the ones around me, it's more like I don't feel like I have a stable place and goal in this life. I'm not depressed, I don't feel like giving up, but it would be nice for someone to talk to on equal level. Maybe that's the problem I'm facing right now, since I've no one to talk to about my thoughts, they've collided together as one big ball, which is ready to burst at any time. I need to share my feelings and thoughts to someone who understands, maybe even cares. But I will never give up trying.
16.36
I just had a discussion about life with one of my classmates. Her idea of life is that it's useless, because you will die either way. She sees this as a fact, and it's impossible to convince her otherwise. But I'll have to admit that it made me think. I mean, I'm trying so hard to find a goal in life, but what if there isn't one? What if life is as useless as she says. I will probably end up dead without knowing the answer to the most important question in life. So what's the point of even trying to figure out.
But there was this other girl, who thought the same way as I did; she said that you're living your life the way you do for yourself, and not for anyone else or the world even. It's as useless or useful as you make it.
Now I'm in doubt. It's not that I haven't heard this one before. But I guess I've never thought about it the way I do now. This one will be to be continued, definitely.
Yours truly,
Since a few days or so, maybe weeks, I have these mixed feelings. It's like I'm physically here on this world, but my mind is floating somewhere else, perhaps in my own made-up fictionally world, if I may be so free to name it like that. There is none, actually, but I'm as confused as the words appearing on this paper. Let's say that that's my excuse for today.
It's not that I'm not satisfied with my life and the ones around me, it's more like I don't feel like I have a stable place and goal in this life. I'm not depressed, I don't feel like giving up, but it would be nice for someone to talk to on equal level. Maybe that's the problem I'm facing right now, since I've no one to talk to about my thoughts, they've collided together as one big ball, which is ready to burst at any time. I need to share my feelings and thoughts to someone who understands, maybe even cares. But I will never give up trying.
16.36
I just had a discussion about life with one of my classmates. Her idea of life is that it's useless, because you will die either way. She sees this as a fact, and it's impossible to convince her otherwise. But I'll have to admit that it made me think. I mean, I'm trying so hard to find a goal in life, but what if there isn't one? What if life is as useless as she says. I will probably end up dead without knowing the answer to the most important question in life. So what's the point of even trying to figure out.
But there was this other girl, who thought the same way as I did; she said that you're living your life the way you do for yourself, and not for anyone else or the world even. It's as useless or useful as you make it.
Now I'm in doubt. It's not that I haven't heard this one before. But I guess I've never thought about it the way I do now. This one will be to be continued, definitely.
Yours truly,
Monday, 3 october 2011
Dear Jane,
I have a confession to make. I'm afraid, afraid to live and let go, as they say. I've never been in this kind of situation before, I've never had the nerves to deal with these kind of thoughts. But I'll have to, otherwise I can't accept anyone in. What happens if I'll never get over these fears? Will I stay this way forever? What about my strength, my powerful mind. I'm able to heal the wounds from the past. Defeat the everlasting thoughts that are racing through my head. They aren't real, right? Thoughts aren't real, they can't exist, that's impossible in every way. But still, the fear stays.
The famous 'what if?' pops up every time I'm trying to collect the positive sides of life, trying to relative my thoughts. It makes no sense how the past keeps running towards me, and although I keep moving forward, it stays in front of me. So.. what if it would be possible that thoughts are able to become reality? All the forgotten memories will return to me, stay by my side while I'm trying to find my way and path in this life. They will give me the strength to overcome fears and face reality. It isn't actually necessary for thoughts or memories to become real, because they exist to me, in me, for me. Forever. I'm the one who makes these memories, thoughts, feelings. It's no one else but me who can give me the strength to live my life. To survive reality. I'm ready for it, as I'll always be from no on.
Yours truly,
I have a confession to make. I'm afraid, afraid to live and let go, as they say. I've never been in this kind of situation before, I've never had the nerves to deal with these kind of thoughts. But I'll have to, otherwise I can't accept anyone in. What happens if I'll never get over these fears? Will I stay this way forever? What about my strength, my powerful mind. I'm able to heal the wounds from the past. Defeat the everlasting thoughts that are racing through my head. They aren't real, right? Thoughts aren't real, they can't exist, that's impossible in every way. But still, the fear stays.
The famous 'what if?' pops up every time I'm trying to collect the positive sides of life, trying to relative my thoughts. It makes no sense how the past keeps running towards me, and although I keep moving forward, it stays in front of me. So.. what if it would be possible that thoughts are able to become reality? All the forgotten memories will return to me, stay by my side while I'm trying to find my way and path in this life. They will give me the strength to overcome fears and face reality. It isn't actually necessary for thoughts or memories to become real, because they exist to me, in me, for me. Forever. I'm the one who makes these memories, thoughts, feelings. It's no one else but me who can give me the strength to live my life. To survive reality. I'm ready for it, as I'll always be from no on.
Yours truly,
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